E-Mailbag for September 14, 2002

Jack Handy wrote:

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a clif is, wile your in mid air, you still hit those breaks. Hey! Better try the emegency breaks. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and invision a whole universe, but the stupid man will just lay down in some seaweed and roll around in it until he's compleatly draped in it, then he'll sant up and go, "Hey! I'm vine man". To me, clowns arnt funny. In fact they're kind of scary.I wonderd where this started.And I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. I remember how my uncle Jery would sit on the porch and wittle all day long. Once he wittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, exept now it had bumpy wittle marks all over it, and no paint because he had wittled off the paint. Before a Sientist goes mad, there's partialy mad, and this is the time he will throw his best parties. As I bit into the nectorine, it had a crisp jucines about it that was very plesurable. Until I realized it wasent a nectorine at all, but a human head Instead of mouse traps what about baby traps? Not to harm the baby, but just to hold them down until they can be removed.

BeckerManEX: Stop copying stuff from SNL.
Hairball: One, you need to take some English classes, very very badly, and Two, man you gotta lose the drugs.
TW: Nah, I can't be bothered to read all that. Moving ON!
SolarGamer: Sometimes you feel like a nut....Sometimes you don't. But right now I feel like busting a nutt right here on this computer screen. Why you say? Because I have nothing better to do than cum on this horrible use of the English language. I remember you Mr. Jack Handy. You were in the last e-mail bag weren't you. WEREN'T YOU! ANSWER ME GOD DAMN IT. Now give me your first born child....or else.
Homer: What the hell is this email trying to say?
Net-tech: FUCK PEOPLE. LEARN TO SPELL. B-R-A-K-E-S. Not breaks. They are two different words. B-R-A-K-E-S are the things in cars. Not breaks. I didn't bother to read the rest of your email because it was most definitely stupid.

President W. Bush wrote:

Sorry, but this well save the world! *Bush blows up Canada*

BeckerManEX: That would solve alot of the world's problems huh?
Hairball: "President" is the first name of the President of the United States of America? Damn, I thought he was smarter than that. But then again, he represents the Americans, and well, Americans are...
TW: Did you know the president's name is George W. Bush? Bush already killed 4 canadians he "Thought were the enemy".
SolarGamer: I wish President Bush would blow me. Oh well. Someday I will blow my load. And then, I will have fun drinking beer and smoking pot. Some might say that my responses make no sense and are all over the place. I say to those critics that…..OH MY LORD! CHICKEN RUN! THE BUTCHER HAS A MEAT CLEAVER! RUN YOU FUCKING BITCHES! RUN!
Homer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. We're all dead now.
Net-tech: Bush has been sucking up to us recently, because he wants our support and our entire army (six soldiers).

Bill Gates wrote:

I'll never match up to Nintendo! I'll guess I'll just destroy every X-Box related item in the world cause I suck dick and I have no life. P.S. Mario is my bitch!

BeckerManEX: He has Rare, that's enough now
Hairball: Just because you suck dick and have no life, doesn't warrant destroying millions of dollars worth of Xbox inventory.
TW: This is like the fifth time "Bill Gates" has contacted us, we must rule.
SolarGamer: Bill Gates is a poindexter...much like most of the people who visit this site. Tell me, do all you visitors reading this admit to your friends that you come to a Mario web-site? I swear you people must be butt ugly, are anti-social, and have no life. Just remember that I love each and everyone of you.
Homer: What does sucking dick have to do with destrying XBOX items?
Net-tech: You just made me stupider by making me read that.

TransvestiteKID wrote:

Oh dear lord! McGaffin WATCH OUT!!! P.s. I love all you guys! Will you have sex with me? Especailly solar, he's real sweet! P.s. I think you are all homophobic and racist! P.p.s. but you're still dead funny and if I pay you will you have sex with me?

BeckerManEX: How we do attract all the wierdos?
Hairball: I am not very interested in fucking a transvestite, but maybe if... if your offer is good.
TW: There isn't enough space on a cheque for the number of zeros you'd have to pay.
SolarGamer: McGaffin? Who the fuck is McGaffin? You make no sense. No I will not have sex with you. But I will rape you. Yes I will make you wish that jo' daddy was spanking you when I am through with you. With this small quest out of the way at LAST I can rule the world, and eat hot-dogs on top of that. Oh, and one more thing….I am not a homophobe. I like gay people. I am not racist. I like all races. I just think that some people are more superior than certain people in a lot of ways. Stereotypes are (after all) based on truth.
Homer: I guess Solar takes transsexuals too.
Net-tech: Why is this emailbag so Solar-centered?

LunarGamer wrote:

I am LunarGamer, the almost-identical copy of SolarGamer. You see, a few years ago, Solar tried to make a clone of himself, that way, he could literally screw himself. But during the cloning process, there was an error that made my brain structure different from Solar's, so I am much smarter then he is. Because of my different brain structure, I am not a perfect clone of Solar, that's why I call myself LunarGamer. Solar thought that I was a perfect clone, however, and he still wanted to have sex with himself, so he told me to lick his balls. Well, I'm not gay, so I said to Solar "No way, I won't lick your balls, you sick fucking gay pervert!" Solar wasn't happy about that, so he grabbed a machete and chased me around. I kicked Solar in the nuts and ran away. Now looking for revenge! I'll find you someday, Solar, and when I do, I'll staple a flag to your ass and mail you to Iraq! Then you'll be Sadaam Husain's sex slave! BWHAHAHA!

BeckerManEX: What get's me is the only person to spell everything right in their letter is a complete retard.
Hairball: Wait... hold on, if there is some screw up, likely you will be genetically deformed, and you will be messed, if not more so than SolarGamer is already.
TW: What a very FACINATING story, now someone pass me the knockout gas while we take this guy's crack away.
SolarGamer: Besides the obvious fact that you are trying to make fun of me I HAVE to concede. You are right in that I WOULD want a clone of myself to molest and fuck. I am serious. I would love to be able to have sex with an exact replica of myself. I find that I get most turned on by myself...no girl that I have ever been with has ever turned me on as much as my own image when I am jacking off in front of a mirror, staring at my naked body. When will I get my LunarGamer clone? The world...may never know.
Homer: I can throw in Harry if you guys want a threesome...
Net-tech: That sounds like something Solar would write, because he frequently calls himself LunarGamer on SM128C chat.

Baby Girl Ashanti wrote:

Well do u know where i can fine a panasonic gamecube at please list the stores thank you for your time

BeckerManEX: Right now they are only available in Japan and are called "Q" not a Panasonic GameCube. It isn't seen as a feasible option to release it out of Japan so we will never see it over here in the West.
Hairball: Those Panasonic Gamecubes with DVD movie viewing capability are not available in stores outside Japan... but you can always look on import stores (on and offline), and also on eBay.
TW: I would list the stores, but I don't live in Japan. So go to Japan and buy a Q.
SolarGamer: OOOOOOOps! There goes my shirt up over my head. OH MY! Oops, there goes my skirt droppin' to my feet. OH MY! Oops! Some kind of touch caressing my neck! OH MY! Oops! I'm turning red who could this be? (In case you were wondering I did say SKIRT...TAKE THAT SUCKAS!)
Homer: www.lik-sang.com Use at j00 own risk
Net-tech: You must import import import for lots of money money money. It's better just to get a DVD player, it costs much less less less.

my dog learned to use the computer and wrote: Woof! i think mario sunshine is a not that good. i think they could have put maybe a little more time into it by improving the graphics. Also, does it make you take a piss after playing it like in the commercial? P.S. That guy takes a 2 second piss. what's wrong with him?? wrote:

BeckerManEX: Mountain Dew.
Hairball: Honestly, I think the graphics are a little weak considering it's the GameCube, they could have been done a lot, lot better. The commercial was gay, need I say more?
TW: WOOF WOOF to you, too....
SolarGamer: Hey faggot, I bet you like it doggy style. Take your queer tendencies and stick them up a girl (yes, for you see...there is no worse punishment for a homosexual than making love to a human being of the female gender.) My gay dog, always steals my boyfriends even though they say their straight. They just cannot help themselves, he's so irresistible. My gay dog, I JUST HATE IT!
Homer: Holy shit, dogs are going to take over us. Run!!
Net-tech: Perhaps you have yet to learn that most commercials are completely unrealistic.

Nigel wrote:

I find Solar's racist comments to be highly offensive. This must stop. Making fun of African Americans is uncalled for, and completely inappropriate. The fact that you may have been joking is not important. You have deeply hurt many African Americans who visit this site.

BeckerManEX: I didn't realize we were posting racist comments, if we are, I agree they need to not be posted on this site.
Hairball: If we were all colour-blind, would that eliminate racism?
TW: Suggestion Noted.
SolarGamer: Listen Monkey Ball's...I am racist. I believe that Hitler had the right idea in saying that Germans are the superior race of humanity. But that doesn't mean I think Hitler was right in killing everyone who was inferior to the Germans….cause he wasn't. (See people, I AM a nice guy.)
Homer: I don't see making fun of African Americans a problem at all.
Net-tech: Get used to it. These days every race is discriminated against, whites included (although I don't exactly know why, considering we are better than yo--oops, I sense more hate mail).

Toby wrote:

Solar is a KKK Racist Asshole who has issues and has to take it out on the rest of the world in order to make himself feel good. RACISM is one of the worst evils of the world and you should go to hell joking or not.

BeckerManEX: True to that.
Hairball: It's too bad that we all find racist jokes to be extremely funny and very entertaining as well.
TW: Please read the next line.
SolarGamer: Fuck no, you take that back BEOTCH! I DO take offense to being called a KKK racist. I AM an asshole, I AM a racist, but I am NOT a member of the KKK. The KKK are ugly stupid fucking hicks. People who are born a certain race can't help it and believe it or not I don't hate them for being inferior beings. Yet, I DO hate hicks.. HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME WITH THAT GARGAGE! I DON'T DESERVE THAT COMMENT AT ALL. No one does...
Homer: Pakis suck, and so do you.
Net-tech: Yes, Solar has issues.

Yoshiman wrote:

In Super Mario Sunshine, where can I find Yoshi?

BeckerManEX: Haven't gotten that far yet, sorry!
Hairball: Get like shine 3 or 4 in Pinna Park, then you'll see Shadow Mario running like a flaming homosexual with a gigantic Yoshi egg, just chase down that son of a bitch, and you'll get the Yoshi.
TW: IN JOLLY OLD EUROPE, Mario Sunshine doesn't come out until October 4th.
SolarGamer: Bitch, try looking up Mario's ass. Oh wait...Luigi is already up there. Hmm, trying looking up Peach's pussy. (Am I immature? I think so :)
Homer: Up Yours
Net-tech: You must run around the building at the north side of town 10 times within 25 seconds, making sure to keep very close to the building. If you move even a little bit from the building, it will not work, and you will have to jump in the water to purify yourself, and try again. When you do it right, a cut scene will happen and Yoshi will jump out of a house. It took me about fifty tries to finally get him, but it's well worth the sexual enjoyment you can get out of him after.

Jordan wrote:

What's with Peach's many changing gowns? She has gone through several... the "Classic" Look... the "Melee" look (I like this best) and the "Sunshine & Mario Party 4" look... who decided on how Peach looked and such?

BeckerManEX: Her creator.
Hairball: Mario is getting more women these days, so Peach needs to show off herself a little more, to keep Mario from picking up the hoes.
TW: I guess good ol' Shigsy did. The devil.
SolarGamer: All jokes aside...I agree with you. Melee Peach looked the best and was quite hot indeed. They ruined Peach for Mario Sunshine, as now she is some fat ugly hag of a princess. Mario could do better than Peach now. I say we make a petition to make Melee Peach the definitive Peach. Word. Microsoft Word. Ah, you just a playa hata. Real One Player. Wow! I am having deja vu. It's like...all...this...has...happened...BEFORE!
Homer: Polygon Porn is bad. Tsk tsk..
Net-tech: The nudists who work at Nintendo. And who really fucking gives half a shit?

Chrionicler Nuva wrote:

Hey guys! I'm CN, the dedicated Bionicle fan! I've got a question... In the Super Mario Sunshine Comercial, theres this weird nozzle that lets Mario spin, and glide in the air, and it doesnt show the FLUDD on the bottom of the screen. Do you know what that is? Another question is... Do any of you like bionicle? Oh yeah, I think Solargamer is cool!

BeckerManEX: Early beta footage before the HUD was fully in place is my guess.
Hairball: Ummm... I don't know, it's probably something with FLUDD, or maybe it's just a basic spin jump. And I don't know what the hell is bionicle. And Solar is a hermaphrodite.
TW: No.
SolarGamer: You lick my ass...I like that. If only everyone who sent in questions would suck my cock-full-o-compliments, I would become a much more narcissistic bitch of a man than I already am. Hey! That rhymed.
Homer: Never played SMS. And no, i don't like bionicle
Net-tech: Nintendo was being gay and used old footage. You will also notice that Yoshi was green in all of those scenes, and he cannot be green in the game.

MLC864 wrote:

how much memory does super mario sunshine need for the nintendo gamecube?

BeckerManEX: One Block I think, I could be wrong.
Hairball: If memory serves me correct, it uses 7 blocks of memory, and that gives you 3 game saves in Super Mario Sunshine. Which means an average of 2.3333333333333333333333333333333 blocks per game save.
TW: I couldn't tell you, as i don't have the game.
SolarGamer: Mmmmmmmmmyes. I once had a memory of....my uncle....making me do....bad stuff....in...dirty places. OH GOD...I WAS MOLESTED! SHIT! MY LIFE IS OVER. But then again, I could always eat a sandwich and be good again. MMMMmmmm, 2 girls and me in a sandwich sex party.
Homer: Read Above ^
Net-tech: 7 blocks.

Window wrote:

Hey SolarGamer, would you like to go to my apartment to have dinner? When you get to my apartment, don't mind those two guys standing in front of the door carrying knives and baseball bats, they're just, uh, sequrity guards. Oh yeah, and bring all of your money and personal documents with you, okay?

BeckerManEX: Hmmmmm...
Hairball: So Window, does that mean you want to have a one night stand with SolarGamer? Sure. That will cost about $5000 a night. If you want anal or oral, add $500.
TW: This emailbag should be known as the "Kill Solar" special edition.
SolarGamer: Dude....you are soooooo funny. With a wit like that, you could be a stand up comedian. Getting to the point, this is just gay with a capital G. Talk to the hand cause the face don't give a damn. I am talking DOWN TOWN......... Fucking poindexter.
Homer: Can i some too?
Net-tech: That was quite stupid. This whole emailbag has become way too heliocentric (centered around Solar).

Person wrote:

how old are you guys anyway . . .2? you sure act like it!

BeckerManEX: Thanks, wait, I don't act two.
Hairball: I think I'll answer this honestly, I am 17 years old. But in my mind, I believe I am 12.
TW: Is that 2, or 0.2?
SolarGamer: I am proud of being immature. Hot chicks usually go for guys like me. You can be as mature as you want, cause the fact remains that you are either: (a)Gay (b)Ugly (c)Fat or (d)All of the above . Guys (or girls) like you will get stuck with an ugly wife/husband/dog. SO you can take your maturity and stick it up your ass. Me, I will stick to my immature ways and continue to have reckless care-free sex with hot girls.
Homer: Im only 1.5 years old
Net-tech: HAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm laughing so hard... THAT HAS TO BE THE FUCKING STUPIDEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING DAY.

Hairball Sucks wrote:

Great game. Absolutely no complaints. The gameplay is fantastic as well as the superbly designed grafics and lighting effects. Yoshi really adds a lot of fun to the game while the game also features cut-scenes. A must have!!!

BeckerManEX: Spoken well, we assume you are talking about Mario Sunshine.
Hairball: How would a game about me sucking would be that good? Yoshi's in it too? What's his role?
TW: Good! Now only if Nintendo of Europe would release it...
SolarGamer: O.K. little boy. Your opinion means so much to this site. It brought me to tears. But the fact remains that Mario Sunshine sucks and you are a nerd. I am truly sorry. And with that! I am done with this edition of the e-mail bag. Always remember that I am right, and that Germans are the best looking, the most intelligent, and most efficient of all humanity. Aryan POWER!
Homer: Hairball Sucks is a great game?
Net-tech: Oh, fuck yeah. I kept running into Yoshi's ass. It was quite arousing, and it sure did add lots of fun to an otherwise shitty game.